


Satisfied (I Will Never Be)

by kensington_queen



Category: Life with Derek
Genre: Angst, F/M, Heartache, Inspired by Hamilton, One Shot, POV Casey, Regret, Song Inspired, the author apologizes in advance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:47:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25897690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kensington_queen/pseuds/kensington_queen
Summary: (Why did they always speak in riddles?)One-shot ficlet inspired by Hamilton's Satisfied.
Relationships: Casey McDonald & Derek Venturi, Derek Venturi/Original Character(s), implied Casey and Derek
Comments: 10
Kudos: 14





	Satisfied (I Will Never Be)

**Author's Note:**

> Title, inspiration, and some dialogue is from Hamilton. I know there are quite a few fics with this exact concept and its a cliche at this point, but, I'm currently obsessed with the song _Satisfied_ and just needed to write this out of my system. 
> 
> Warning: not edited.

**Location: North Carolina**

The night couldn’t be more perfect, Casey thought as the candles on the table where she was sitting flickered, scattered rose petals around it. Her favorite Frank Sinatra song was playing over the speakers as a warm breeze blew in from the opened french doors. The summer weather couldn’t be more perfect for the occasion; it’s a dream of a day, but it doesn’t belong to her. 

Derek twirled his new bride around as Frank’s voice crooned about strangers in the night falling in love, and it takes all of her inner strength to stay still and clap as he dipped Rachel back, planting a cheeky kiss on her lips when the song fades to an end. The bride’s lace dress was gorgeous, floating and moving down to the ground like an ocean wave with every step.

“What a beautiful day,” Lizzie said, a champagne flute in her hand. “They got so lucky with the weather. Do you have your speech ready?” She asked to distract her sister, knowing full well the speech had been prepared as soon as the wedding date had been announced.

Casey nodded, the speech safely tucked away in her clutch ready to go. She watched as Derek and Rachel began to goofily dance as the music changed to a silly pop song. They begin pulling people onto the dance floor with them, laughing happily. 

“Are you going to dance?” Lizzie asked, placing her flute down as Derek gestured to them to join. Another song starts, going right to Casey’s heart, stabbing her with each beat. She recognized it, resenting it's taunting presence. “Casey?”

“Nah I’m fine,” Casey pasted a smile on her face, waving for Lizzie to go ahead. “I want to look over my speech one more time.” Her sister shrugged in that, if you insist, sort of way. She’s left alone to look over the words she had already memorized. Soon enough though she is forced to stand up and leave the safety of her family’s table when the DJ’s booming voice calls for attention. 

“Alright, alright,” the man’s enthusiastic voice said, filling up the space all around Casey. She couldn’t escape. “Give it up for a speech by the groom’s step-sister and the bride’s best friend, Casey McDonald!”

She took the mic, almost dropping it with nerves. The speech was held by her other hand, crushed. All eyes were on her, but the only one she centered her attention on was Derek, his hand holding his new wife’s. The lights caused the diamond on her left hand to sparkle, distracting Casey. Derek looked unfairly handsome and grown up in the casual suit he decided on. His patient brown eyes gave Casey strength.

She took a deep breath.

“A toast to the groom, and to the bride,” Casey started, emotional. Tears threaten to spill. She blinked them back. She prayed it looked like she was joyful, not devastated. “From you ste-, _sister_ , and your best friend. I’ve had the pleasure of being by both of your sides during your journey to get here. I remember the night you met...” 

**Rewind:Rewind:Rewind**

**Location: New York City ******

****

****

The afterparty was smokey and crowded. Casey navigated through the cramped living room of her friend’s apartment, anxious. Derek was late, per usual. He had promised to come to the party after he stopped over at his hotel to change. She checked her phone again for any new texts, but there was nothing after he had replied to her directions with a thumbs up.

The front door was propped open with a textbook, so that the partygoers could freely go back and forth into the hallway. Casey peeked her head out to see if Derek was coming up the stairs. With no sign of him, she retreated back to the kitchen where the drinks were set up. Rachel, her best friend at the dance company, sat up on the counter with a cheap bottle of beer in her hands.

“Any sign of your brother yet?” She asked, taking a sip. “Don’t forget, you promised to introduce us!” Her hazel eyes followed the movement of another dancer everyone in their company had a crush on, Tom.

“Step-brother,” the correction automatically flew out of Casey’s mouth. The step was as important as ever, even if she did live in another country. She grabbed a beer out of the cooler, just to hold. She planned to hand it off to Derek when he arrived. 

“That’s what I said,” Rachel teased, swinging her legs. “I’m sure he’s just on the subway. It’s sort of an inconvenient neighborhood to reach.”

“True,” Casey said, looking down again at her phone. She was pleased to see that there was a new text from Derek waiting to be read. “Oh, he’s here. I’ll be right back with him.”

Rachel nodded, her eyes on Tom as he came back into the kitchen for another drink. Casey left her to it, forcing herself to walk normally out to the hallway where Derek was coming up the stairs. She instantly spotted him when she passed through the front door. Barely a minute at the party and already every girl and guy's eyes were drinking him in.

“Der,” she called out over the crappy music blasting from a stereo set up. It was probably just luck that he looked up when she did, noticing her. He approached her, smiling. He had changed out of the dressier clothes he had worn to the show into jeans and white t-shirt, his signature leather jacket completing the look. 

“Hey Case,” he murmured, allowing her to hug him. His hands squeezed her briefly before letting go. Casey swallowed, nervous. Being in close proximity to Derek tended to send her mind spiraling lately, overthinking every little thing. 

_Be cool,_ she scoffed at herself. _It’s just Derek._

She handed him the beer, satisfied when he accepted it eagerly. “I took a sip already, but it’s kinda meh, so definitely your kind of thing, not mine. Did you find the building okay? It’s a bit out of the way from the Village, but…” She was babbling. Christ. He smirked, observing her as she smoothed her spotless shirt.

“Your directions were very specific, keener style.” He said affectionately, shuffling them over to a wall as a drunk person bumped into them. They were close enough to each other that Casey had to tilt her head up to see him, his breath hot on her face. To an outsider point of view, they probably looked like a couple. It’s an intrusive thought that Casey had time and time again. 

“It’s a big city,” Casey shrugged, scooting a bit closer as another person stumbled by. “Did you like the show?”

_Did you like watching me?_

“It was pretty good,” Derek took a slow sip of the beer. “Also where the hell is that graceful Casey on stage in real life? It’s like there’s two of you, and klutzy Casey has the graceful clone locked away.”

She giggled, shoving him lightly. “Der-ek, shut up.”

“Cas-ey,” he mimicked. “Make me.” It’s a familiar challenge, one that she was always tempted to take up. How would he react if she did, reaching effortlessly up and kissing him? It frightens her how much she wants to test it out. He stared at her, looking at her lips and daring her. She never backed down from the challenges he threw at her, except this one.

A beat, and the moment ends when Derek straightened slightly up and took another sip of his beer. He glanced away, watching as people around them drank and smoked and laughter filled their ears. 

(Casey would never know he did it to stop himself from kissing her.)

Rachel stood nearby chatting to a friend, unnoticed by Derek and Casey. The world revolved and expanded and contracted around them, their eyes darting around before focusing on the other. Casey cleared her throat, wanting to keep his attention. 

(She always had it.)

“Jesse and I broke up,” she blurted out, catching his attention again. His eyes widened slightly, surprised by the abrupt change of conversation. “Um, a couple months ago. It wasn’t working. Did Mom tell you?”

“Uh no,” he scratched his neck. “She didn’t. I’m sorry, Case, I was wondering where he was.” He was lying. He knew, and the part of him that held Casey close to his heart was dying to break free at last. “Are you going to stay in New York? Or finally go to Queens?” He sounded hopeful. 

“I don’t know,” Casey avoided his eyes. “The director wants to recommend me to Julliard. But I need to think it over,” she told him, desperate for him to understand. She was asking him to tell her to pick Queens. But because it was them, it got lost in translation. 

“Oh wow,” he sucked in a breath. “That’s, that’s amazing. Congrats.” They stood there in awkward silence. “But,” he continued a few seconds later. “Would you be satisfied? Y’know, giving up on Queens for good?”

(It’s a hint, but because it’s Casey, she assumed it’s nothing more than polite interest.)

“Satisfied?” She repeated, frowning. “What do you mean?”

Derek shuffled on his feet. “You just always seemed like you’d be unsatisfied if you didn’t do everything you wanted to do.” His eyes blazed, looking right into her soul. “Like me,” he added. “I’m not going to be satisfied if I don’t make it pro with hockey, and a million other things I want to do.”

(Why did they always speak in riddles?)

She doesn’t know how to respond to that, stealing the bottle of beer to sip, spotting Rachel talking to someone down the hall. Casey didn’t miss how her friend kept looking over her shoulder in their direction, curiosity in her eyes. She had forgotten all about her promise to introduce them. The next words tumbled out of her mouth, “Hey, come with me.” Casey tugged Derek by the hand, moving down the hall as another song started playing, a generic new hit that featured on all the party playlists and later would cause her to cry every time it came on, years later.

“Where are you taking me?” His lips quipped up, as his feet followed automatically. She never promised Derek to introduce him to her best friend; it had been one-sided to Rachel. Why did Casey feel obligated to keep it then? Perhaps because she knew Rachel. She was kind, funny, and calm, and completely Derek’s type. Everything he deserved, Casey told herself. 

(But Rachel wasn’t Casey.)

“I’m about to change your life,” Casey said as they approached Rachel. Too late to back away, as her friend beamed a gorgeous smile, sucking Derek in. Too late to pull him away as Casey introduced them. Too late, too late -

“Where have you been hiding?” Rachel shook his hand, her southern drawl charming. “Casey you didn’t tell me your brother was so handsome.”

“Step-brother,” Derek corrected, a bit slower than normal. “Hey, I’m Derek.” He looked at Casey, as if waiting for some clue on how to proceed. She forced herself to smile, hating herself for being a wimp.

“Rachel,” her best friend replied, shooting Casey a significant look.

“I’m just going to get some water,” Casey said tightly. “I’ll be right back. You should chat, I think you’ll find you have a lot in common besides me.” She ignored Derek’s frown as he moved to follow her, but Rachel’s voice caused his head to turn, too polite to excuse himself. 

She would question that moment forever, disappearing into the apartment and putting distance between them. When Rachel later asked if it would be okay to message Derek, she would regret even more reassuring her friend it was fine. She even found herself encouraging it, all the while suffocating on the frustration she felt when Derek eventually started showing up to dance shows for Rachel, not Casey. 

Determined to prove him wrong, Casey went to Julliard, withdrawing her spot from Queens permanently. She pretended to be satisfied during visits home, especially when Derek would go with Rachel, who left dance behind to relocate to Toronto. 

But he was right. She would never be satisfied. 

**Present Day**

“To your union,” Casey lifted her champagne flute in the air. Everyone followed her lead. Her eyes found Derek’s. “May you always be satisfied.” She downed her drink, swallowing her watery smile. She felt Derek watching her as Sam stepped up for the best man speech. 

Casey walked away, forgetting how to breathe as Sam led the crowd into a chant for the bride and groom to kiss. 

Perhaps it’s because she can physically feel his gaze pulling her to him, or because she liked to torture herself, but she looked back over her shoulder in time to see Derek kissing his wife, his eyes open and looking directly at her. She choked back regret, hastily retreating.

+

(“I will never be satisfied,” Derek whispered in her ear.)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for the angst and for that ending. _*hides*_
> 
> If you still liked it though, please let me know. <3  
> Thank you for taking the time to read my work!


End file.
